John Coulter with his regular column from the Irish Daily Star.
The Irish Volunteers, Gregory Campbell, tub-thumping cleric Jimmy McConnell, the Shinners and NI21 have swept the boards in the prestigious 2014 Coulter’s Coveted Cock-Up Cups.
East Derry DUP MP Campbell romped home with the Top Tip Trophy for insulting hundreds of years of Presbyterian heritage with his ‘Curry My Yoghurt’ jibe at the Irish language.
Top Tit ‘Soupie’ Campbell simply ignored the indisputable historical fact it was radical Protestant Presbyterians who fought to keep the Irish language alive.
His Tit award is also engraved with the phrase ‘curai mo iogart’, which he won’t find in the ‘Daft Dictionary of a Rural North Antrim Accent posing as The Ulster-Scots Language’.
The Shinners collect the Gerry Adams Sweepstake Award for admitting how they have taken the piss out of both Brits and Unionists using their stable of Trojan Horses. The award boasts a special engraving – ‘Don’t let the b*****ds grind you down!’
The tightest battle was for the sought-after Gobshite Cup for the person who says the dumbest comment about the Fearless Flying Column on social media.
The winner was the closed Facebook group of the Irish Volunteers Commemorative Committee, which banned me after I posted one of my columns on it.
I heard an unconfirmed whisper the North Korean government is so impressed with such censorship, it may sponsor next year’s Gobshite Cup.
The Ulster Unionists win the Bark At The Moon Award for thinking the party will win any seats in May’s Commons election. while the SDLP collects the Stoop Down Even Lower trophy for failing to form a coalition with the Shinners, and thereby condemning itself to electoral oblivion in 2015.
The Union flag-loving Alliance is top of the heap in the ‘Spruce Up Your Hair-Do And Think Voters Will Save Your Seat’ category as the party gets its curling tongs out to try and ensure Naomi Long holds East Belfast.
The ‘Screaming Lord Sutch Memorial Cup’ goes to Basil McCrea’s NI21 for giving us all a laugh as his party imploded days before crucial polls.
If he renamed the almost defunct NI21 the Irish Monster Raving Looney Party, it’d probably lose the Monty Python image it now enjoys.
As for Ukip and wee Jimmy Allister’s TUV, their parties are joint winners of the ‘What Is The Fecking Point Of This Movement’ Cup for totally ignoring the reality of 21st century Irish politics.
And I hope the Northern Greens can prise themselves away from tree-hugging for a while to collect the ‘They Really Need To Get A Life’ award.
Making its first appearance is a new trophy, The Pharisee Prize, which goes to the cleric who has done the most in 2014 to embarrass the Christian faith.
For much of the year, Catholic clergy convicted of child sex abuse were dog collar to dog collar with Prod clergy who are more interested in their ‘Christian’ image than actually helping young people with problems.
Then fundamentalist Bible-basher Pastor Jimmy McConnell unleashed his ‘Islam is satanic’ rant. Pastor Jimmy is now Ireland’s Top Tub Thumper and his grovelling ‘sorry to Muslims’ earns him the inaugural Pharisee Prize.
Entering Coulter’s Hall of Shame is the Executive for running power-sharing with only two parties – the Dupes and Shinners - with the rest of the ministers mere bums on seats.
And I’ve already got a fine array of political arseholes, brain-dead keyboard warriors and moralising tub-thumpers in the running for the next Coulter’s Coveted Cock-Ups! Roll on Easter!
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