John Coulter with his 2013 awards column. It initially featured in the Irish Daily Star on 23 December 2013.
*****
Robbo’s Dupes win the Mandela Memorial for the most historic
U-turn. Just as Mandela converted from anti-apartheid terrorist to global peace
ambassador, so too, has the DUP backtracked over its support for the Maze
Shrine.
The Shinners collect the Harry Potter Invisibility Cloak Cup
for making their president Louth TD Gerry Adams ‘disappear’ in the wake of his brother Liam’s
sex abuse conviction and the Sinn Fein boss’s alleged role with the
Disappeared.
The election battered Ulster Unionists collect the ‘Head
Stuck Up Their Asses’ award for believing they will still be relevant after
next year’s super council poll.
The Stoops win two major titles, which is just about all they will win as they
prepare to join the UUP
and the old Nationalist Party in the dustbin of Irish
history.
SDLP boss Big Al
McDonnell wins the Sunglasses Special for the best performance at a
conference on TV (mind the lights!), and the party also clinches the Conall
McDevitt award for Expertise in Getting Expenses.
Alliance collects
the ‘No Political Brains’ trophy for winding up the loyalist working
class over the
Union ‘fleg’ dispute.
And speaking of
flags, Ricky Haass wins the ‘When in doubt, bung up a flag’ cup for
suggesting that the Irish tricolour flies alongside the Union Jack at Stormont.
Let’s hope
Unionists are clever enough to demand equality and we can see the Union
Jack also fluttering over Leinster House, Dublin Castle, the Garden of
Remembrance, Croke Park and the Wolfe Tone commemoration at Bodenstown.
The Puke-Up Prize
for making people vomit with its blunt presentation goes to pro-life
fundamentalist organisation, We Shall Not Be Silent.
The Top Tit Trophy
is won jointly by ex-UUP MLAs Bazza McCrea and wee Johnny
McCallister for launching a new political party, NI21, which sounds more like a strain
of bird flu.
The tightest battle
in 2013 was for the Gobshite Cup, awarded to the social media folk
for their comments about my Fearless Flying Column in the Irish Daily
Star. Three bloggers tie
for this, known as ‘Tain Bo’, ‘Anonymous’ and ‘Dan Breen’. For legal
reasons, I cannot name them, but my source in MI5 assures me of their
identities.
The Miss Stormont
political babe prize is shared by the two glamour gals of Parliament Hill, namely the super sexy
MLAs Jo-Ann Dobson of the UUP and Sinn Fein’s Megan Fearon.
‘Pie in the Sky’
Politician of the Year goes to ex-GAA president, Sean Kelly, from Kerry,
now a Fine Gael MEP. Sean revealed how
Ireland wanted to bid for the 2023 Rugby World Cup with some matches
being played at GAA’s Casement Park. Aye, right, Sean!
The Supporters of
the Year Gong goes to the fan-tastic Ulster Rugby lot. I can never
understand how
Ulster Rugby manages to bring so many folk together at
Belfast’s Ravenhill, with plenty of booze, no segregation, and no chanting at the ref
– just polite clapping and sober singing throughout!
And the Side-Splitting
Trophy goes to independent republican councillor Paudie McShane, for his
crackpot press statements on the Palestinian crisis.
There’s already a
fine line-up of assholes ... I mean, intelligent politicians, queuing up for 2014’s nominations.
Tain BO has won the Gobshite Coulter cup without getting his hands dirty-Santa is only a few hours away but Coulter has already spotted him a few times-in
ReplyDeletefact I think that Coulter is one of his reindeers-easily whipped-
trust you Michaelhenry to spot that! I think Tain Bo will be pleased to get a mention!
ReplyDeleteand that really is it for tonight. The poteen is taking effect
ReplyDeleteTo my esteemed political adversary Dr. John Coulter for not only considering me but awarding me Gobshite of the year MMXIII which I both graciously and humbly accept on behalf of the world of Gobshites.
ReplyDeleteI would like to thank the Great Sanhedrin with a special acknowledgement to Caiaphas and Pontius Pilate and the Jewish people of the time for choosing Barabbas.
A big thanks to god for sacrificing his only child (that we know off) a big thanks to John and Peter for paving the way for the rise of the Holy Roman Empire (sacrum romanum imperium ) toss in the creativity of Biblical scribes who present us such facts of Noah’s ark and other factual details like the earth being 6000 years young,
Without such true facts none of this would be possible and Christian extremists would have nothing to persecute heathen souls like myself.
I would like to thank the old grave dodging windbag miser Liz and the English for 800years of tyrannical rule with a special acknowledgement to SF for making us look forward to at least another 100 years,
I would like to thank the PUL for their fleg protests and for showing us we hurt their feelings by denying them the right to trample on nationalists areas.
I would like to thank Dr. Richard Haas for overlooking the the American revolutionary war of independence and for presenting more daft shite for the wankers on the hill to moan over.
I would like to thank MI5 for being gracious and providing you with my personal information which couldn’t have arrived at a better time considering my moniker of “Tain Bo” is under question.
With a very special thanks to Primo Levi, Friedrich Nietzsche, Franz Kafka and Umberto Eco, along with Jacques Derrida and the more controversial Martin Heidegger.
Last but by no means least I thank the Pensive Quill and Anthony and Carrie for providing a buck eegit like me the platform to gobshite and with any luck to continue promoting my gobshitery for another year.
Respectfully Dr, Coulter I will or might put a little effort into my comments on your articles only to chase after another prestigious well deserved award ( at least in my case.)
Thank you for the mention and may your god bless you and your family and although I will disagree with you more power to your elbow.
I am sure your sources told you I am a lightweight but I hope that doesn’t keep me of the list of potentially receiving another award.
Best wishes to you and your family for a happy healthy new year.
Sincerely the Gobshite
Mickey,
ReplyDeleteYou have to admit that article was creatively hilarious but thanks for backing me up mate I could barely write a reply from laughing.
Best wishes for the new year to you and yours.
Anthony,
ReplyDeleteSpot on my bake was grinning from ear to ear and a great laugh at the fun he poked at all he mentioned.
Best wishes to you Carrie and the kids not to forget the dog for a healthy happy new year.
Tain Bo
ReplyDeleteYou are one of my favorite posters here and your acceptance of award was superb.
I hope this reply will be pinned up on the wall at TPQ headquarters. A wonderful reply.
However, you forgot to give thanks for Edwin Poots. His wonderful contribution to society. Like most over DUP members, he is not a backward, idiotic bigot... oh wait!
Maitiu,
ReplyDeleteI appreciate the compliment and am happy you got a laugh at my reply.
I thought it might be persuasive enough to have the good Dr. consider me for another well deserved award next year.
Apart from politically disagreeing with Dr. Coulter I hold no personal hard feeling towards the man.
I was reading his list with laughter and enjoyed his humorous take on me.
Fair play to him for injecting some much needed satire as the subject matter usually leaves us with nothing to laugh about.
Oh, there were plenty of people left out I am sure Edwin won’t mind.
Though it would be nice to change the guard on the hill and replace them with politicians that would work together for the betterment of the country.
I am glad you stayed the course and are now a fixture here on TPQ in my humble opinion you enhance the debates and I hope you continue to throw up more articles in the future.
On a personal note my friend I hope you do well at the University and my sincerest best wishes to you and your family for a healthy and hopefully happier new year.