Bible-Thumpers go sacramental

Former Blanket columnist and TPQ regular Dr John Coulter with his latest feature from the Irish Daily Star. It featured there on the 27th May, 2013.

Robbo's Jeremiah jibe about whinging and moaning pests prophesying doom and gloom for Stormont has got the Bible-thumping brigade in a real tizzy.
Ironically, the most condemning are the Free Presbyterians, the hardline fundamentalist sect set up in 1951 by Robbo's predecessor as DUP boss and First Minister, Ian Paisley senior.

Jeremiah was one of the most notable of the Biblical Old Testament's prophets of doom, and while people like to be bringers of joy, when Jeremiah spoke, it was usually a signal that major brown stuff was about to hit the fan.

While the Free P's have a reputation for not hiding behind the bush when it comes to criticising the sins of folks, this latest attack on Robbo from some within the Free Church suggests the 'Frees' are getting worried about rumours that they are losing worshippers to the rapidly expanding Pentecostal movement in the North.

It has also opened a new can of worms about who might fit the bill for other Biblical characters on Stormont Hill.

In the coming months, expect God's Word and the Bible to be kicked from bench to bench like a theological football.

Who will be Samson, the Israelite strong man who, while he fell for the charms of the vixen Delilah, still managed to bring the entire heathen temple crashing around his enemies?

And what about Moses, the wise old bird who inflicted the ten plagues on the Egyptians, before escaping their slavery, then leading Pharaoh into an ambush in the Red Sea where his entire army was drowned?

And what about someone who made an entire about-turn in their political career? That could be the notorious Saul of Tarsus from the New Testament, who was once a persecutor of Christians, but after a 'Road to Damascus conversion' became the Apostle Paul.

Who will hold the Stormont Executive together? Is there a David in the midst? He was the shepherd boy who used a mere sling to kill the Philistine giant Goliath.

Then there's a role for a Pontius Pilate, the Roman official who condemned Jesus Christ to death, before washing his hands of the whole case.

Given all the rumpus over gay marriage, there must be a top spot for Lot, the Israelite who led his family out of the homosexual city of Sodom before God eradicated it with fire and brimstone.

But a word of caution, could someone be a Lot's wife on this issue? She was warned by God not to look back at the gay city, but did so and was turned into a pillar of salt.

Maybe Robbo could be a bit more upbeat, and instead of looking for moaning Jeremiahs, he could start a competition to find Stormont's version of another Biblical prophet – Micah, who was also trying to be a beacon of hope in a sinful city.

Or maybe that should be a Joseph, who in spite of being betrayed by his brothers, managed to turn the situation around and become one of the biggest Egyptian leaders.

And well as Robbo warning about the Jeremiahs in the camp, perhaps he should be on the lookout for a Judas Iscariot, the traitor who betrayed Jesus.

And talking of sneaky people, are there any Calebs roaming the Stormont corridors? Caleb was the Old Testament super spy who could get intelligence on people the Israelite bosses thought was impossible to gain.

But the real debate will be, who is the real Anti-Christ at Stormont – the person who will signal the end of the world, or are we looking for someone who could make Lucifer himself?

For all of you who fancy yourselves as Biblical scholars, let me know your thoughts. You have my email – john.coulter@thestar.ie

2 comments:

  1. Dr John-

    Jeremiah and Stormont-

    Old Jeremiah got kicked into prison
    because his views were not liked by some-after a few years he got out but went back to doing what he believed in-

    With that new law passed today both
    Jim Allister and the SDLP would ban Jeremiah from Stormont because he was an X Prisoner-its hell for jim stoop-

    ReplyDelete
  2. John the only story from the bible that I can recall was of the time Mosses went to mount Olive,Popeye knocked his melt in !!

    ReplyDelete