A joke with a jag. That's how former Blanket columnist Dr John Coulter uses his regular Irish Daily Star column to pen a satirical piece on how
many of the North's parties and politicians have performed in the past
year. It appeared in the Irish Daily Star on 24 December 2012.
Yee-ha! Many of the North’s political parties have swept the boards in this year’s Coulter’s Coveted Cock-Up Cups.
Beloved First Minister Robbo collects the Terence O’Neill Memorial Cup for converting his Shinner-smashing DUP into a liberal unionist movement even more moderate than most wet Prods could imagine.
The ‘Knife You In the Back At Every Chance’ Cup is won by the civil war-ridden Ulster Unionists, who excelled themselves in sparking the most feuds, splits and coups against boss Mike Nesbitt in a single year.
The Shinners win ‘How To Get Positive Publicity For Your Party’ Shield with their press release writing skills. Sorry Sinn Fein, but Northern Ireland Water don’t seem to want to sponsor this award! The loyalist working class was well on its way to beating the Shinners in this category until the pre-Christmas rampage disqualified it. Copying Sinn Fein 1968-style is not an option.
As for the Stoops, they easily win the ‘Shit Outta Luck’ Cup for being unable to stem the political slide to Sinn Fein. In fact, the SDLP is already in line for the ‘Disappear Up Its Own Ass’ Shield for 2013.
But if the Stoop Troops can rally round Big Al instead of trying to copy the UUP in stabbing their leader in the back, there’s a slim chance they could pull off a surprise in the 2014 European poll by winning back John Hume’s seat.
The Top Tit Trophy goes to Alliance for starting the Troubles again because of its crazy Union flag vote in Belfast City Council. It's typical of Irish politics: the centre ground ‘coming together’ party sparking a new era of sectarian strife.
Making a very strong showing this year is the hardline Traditional Unionist Voice party led by wee Jimmy Allister. It romped home in the ‘Rid Society of Convicted Sex Beasts’ category.
Hopefully, former TUV Ballymena councillor and ex-Ireland rugby star David Tweed – now a convicted sex offender – will be able to collect the award from jail via videolink.
The supposed new third force in British politics, the United Kingdom Independence Party (UKIP), wins the ‘Total Bullshit Disguised As A Workable Way Forward For the North’ gong for its global-domination plans, with UKIP Strangford MLA Davy McNarry leading the Assembly charge.
Green Party boss Steven Agnew wins the ‘Feck Fracking’ award to stop gas and petroleum extraction. Full marks to the party, through, for its revolutionary plans to keep the North warm by getting us all to hug trees. Maybe the Greens should be awarded the Hot Air Cup instead?
Making its inaugural appearance this year is the Silvio Berlusconi Cup for the Biggest Political Ego. Joint winners are maverick UUP MLAs Basil McCrea of Lagan Valley and Wee Jonny McCallister from South Down with their strategy of ‘Don’t Listen to Mike, Let’s Do And Say What We Want’.
There are also heavy odds they'll be booted out of what’s left of the UUP to join Alliance, the Tories, or form their own Meaningless Unionist Party, known as the MUPS, with its youth wing, the MUPP-ETS.
Speaking of Independents, the East Derry Unionist MLA David McClarty gets a cup for simply being a genuinely nice guy who tells great jokes and yarns.
And let’s not forget Brit PM Dandy Dave Cameron’s Northern Tories. They collect the ‘Super Supper’ Cup for their superb hospitality at all events.
No Orange Order-style egg and onion sambos with mugs of sugar-laced tea for the Conservatives.
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John,
ReplyDeletea witty piece. Always good to have a break from the sombre and serious
John:
ReplyDeleteThanks for making me laugh at most of your satirical's, except two of them.
Reference the Flag issue, i have approached over 50 companies who make toilet paper, asking to make some like Union Jacks, they ask me why and I stated, Well, the Unionist love that flag so much I thought off selling toilet rolls to them, then instead of throwing petrol bombs , bricks ,bottles, etc at there own RUC police , they could chuck the flags, sorry, toilet rolls at them, and I also stated I would keep some for my personal use, they had the cheek to ask me what personal use I meant , I stated, To wipe my arse.
FRACKING:
I am totally against this source of finding gas, it has been proven to create earth tremors, even as far afield as England.
But other than those two points I will give you 8/10 for making me laugh.
Anthony:
You are right, it is a break from the sombre and serious, but John is good at sticking little things in, just had to comment on those two points.
ReplyDeleteI seen and read that when it appeared on the Nuzhound site last week. Some of the awards are very apt.
good stuff, it set up the day perfectly!
ReplyDeleteYup, made me laugh.
ReplyDeleteOh Larry, what do you make of the baron of bogside, and Buckingham? Hopefully he'll get a mention in JC's next outing.
ReplyDeletemenace
ReplyDeleteJust saw on yahoo he has resigned his Westminster seat to consentrate on his 'other jobs'. I recon Bobby Sands, Francie Hughes and all the martyrs must be glowing with adoration from 'above'.
oh no! wait... that's Michaelhenry and the SF numpties from BELOW lmao.
just thinking, with politics akin to a combination of a chimpanzee tea-party and a rats nest during the bubonic plague; little wonder the mixers like Dumphy and Gaybo decide to steer clear of it.
ReplyDeleteJohn,s wee dig at the Alliance party for daring to broker a reasonable agreement over the fleg issue should be noted as his mask slipping to show the true blue John .
ReplyDeleteitsjustmacker a cara you can get union jack bog roll in Scotland, and I,ve a union jack door mat which we use every day...