Revisionist scribbler Daniel Dudley Morrison recently took time out, presumably with his publisher’s approval, from penning his 250 volume Magnum Opus, Lies That I Have Told, to tell us even more of them; this time based on a remarkable discovery he feigned to have made.
Years ago when he was a republican, ostensibly anyway, I would read him a bit but these days with him using the pen bequeathed to him by the late Malachy McGurran, there simply isn’t the interest. Moreover, the type of fiction I prefer is usually Scandinavian crime. There is so much of it that it leaves little time to read what the revisionists are making up.
Most of us in our lives have experienced a Eureka moment: that flash of illumination that streaks across the frontal lobes bringing instant clarity as it heralds the discovery of that elusive something that has hovered beyond reach right up to the very second of its appearance. The exclamation comes from a mixture of relief and exhilaration. But if too eager to rush in the chickens mightn’t just hatch in the numbers expected. The joy of the Schadenfreude school is then enhanced when the explorer ends up screaming from their egg splattered dial ‘Akerue’ at what they have not found. Rotten fruit and offal is sure to follow the intrepid explorer to the stocks. One good reason I guess to sport a big broad hat. In this setting ‘Akerue’ sounds more like the excitable grunt emitted by a martial arts practitioner than the pleasurable announcement of a great find. If nothing else it helps broaden our understanding of the term ‘karate Dan.’
When our sightless oracle had his Akerue moment a week or two ago I learned of it from my wife’s laughter. ‘Morrison has flipped’ she chortled. A journalist later rang me to say ‘it is now official, Danny is deranged.’ True or not it sure sounded funny. Estranged, from anything remotely republican, would be a more fitting term, while managing to retain enough of its phonetic similarity for Morrison not to notice the difference.
Morrison’s claim of a ground breaking discovery was a strange one because what it amounted to was a proclamation to the few who still bother to read him that he suffers from the same problem as the dyslexic pimp who bought a warehouse. He is baffled by the text. Estranged, deranged ... his confusion is somewhat understandable.
So what have we got? Don’t let me shape your judgement. Have a read through the book of evidence and draw your own conclusions. Apparently Ed Moloney has done something ‘unthinkingly’ – already we are being invited onto that Donald Rumsfeld terrain of ‘known unknowns’. Morrison knows that Moloney has unknowingly revealed ‘that getting Adams was part of his sham historic project!’ The sham project, if it needs mentioned at all, is Boston College’s oral history collection. Our wise owl hoots resentfully at the archive for having kick started the outing of his Dr Death role in the 1981 hunger strike. The ‘unthinking’ exchange – Morrison’s confirmatory evidence - took place between Moloney and Walt Ellis:
Moloney: Ah Walter! I had thought you dead and gone. Never a losing cause, just keeping my promise to people. If I do have an obsession it is with outing liars, which is why I write about Lance Armstrong! There is another outrageous liar with whom we are both familiar, me perhaps more than you. Wears a beard and used to puff on a pipe a lot. Write about him too. Suspect he may be heading for an Armstrong-like denouement as well.
Walt Ellis: I’m not dead yet. It just feels that way. I hope you’re not suggesting that a certain one-time barkeep, for whom power was the ultimate performance-enhancing drug, will one day soon be stripped of his many titles.
Moloney: a former barkeep with a power complex? Who could you possibly be talking about?
Lance Armstrong finished the 2008 Boston Marathon in place 497, so that’s it. The dots are expertly joined. Boston and the liar Armstrong connected which means Gerry Adams was the prey. See how easy it is. Armstrong is the Rosetta Stone with which the Moloney code has been lanced. Equipped with the genius deficiency necessary to foresee no IRA decommissioning by the year 3000 the eminent windtalker is, well, talking wind.
But if nothing else let us at least praise Morrison for his consistency. His latest pioneering work is not without precedent. This discovery is on a par with an earlier one he made public in the Guardian in March 2005 when the result of his then exploration into the Northern Bank robbery produced this: ‘I was convinced initially that the IRA did it ... When Adams and McGuinness robustly denied any involvement I changed my mind.’ A primus inter pares with an unrivalled ability to discover traces of truth in statements by Gerry Adams; a coveted trait certainly amongst analysts, a catch for any research institute.
What chance have defenders of the Belfast Project against such an experienced idiot? We should perhaps give up on the basis of the maxim never to argue with an idiot because they drag you down to their level, then beat you with their experience.
Time for The Wrong Man to switch from code breaking to mould breaking and get something right. He counted his apples, told us they were pears and now wonders why his whole enterprise has gone pear-shaped to the sound of raspberries.